44 – It’s Messy Messy Messy – To Grow

8/1/22

“Be kind to yourself,”

I mutter,

I chastise.

“Give yourself some grace,”

I correct before anyone can deem me too harsh.

Lately, my self-image has been all over the place.

Before I go forward, let me tell you a little bit about my mom. I could go on and on about her –

she is strong. She is soft. Her hair is curlier than mine, forms these darling ringlets that she can whip up into the classiest updo at a moment’s notice.

She laughs loudly. She is passionate, quick to defend those who need defending. She is always herself.

As I grow older, I hold more tightly to the things she taught me, and her demonstration of authenticity resonates the most.

In moments of doubt, I’ve comforted myself with this resonation. “At least it was me. At least I showed up as me. At least I didn’t hold back. At least…”

I have been on a few dates over the last few weeks. “You’ve gotta get back out there, Leah, at least try.” I’m glad I have, but rejection feels like jumping into an ice cold lake in the dead of winter. Shocking.

Rejection begs for a scapegoat – so why not me? Why not my sense of humor? Why not my weight? Why not all my lack?

I’ll probably always be rough around the edges. Will say things that I don’t mean, will get frustrated with the way things play out, will hold myself at a distance from you. From me.

It’s messy messy messy – to grow.

I am strong, I am soft. My hair doesn’t form darling ringlets, but it is uniquely mine.

I am quick to laugh. I am passionate, quick to listen to those who need an attentive ear. I am learning to be myself even on the days when I wish I was more like someone else.

Sweetly, tenderly, I whisper, “Be kind to yourself. Give yourself some grace.”

Lightly,
Leah