8/15/24
I want to stay in my head
and deliver a punchy, informative email.
I want to tell you about how I plucked The Diary of a Country Priest
off my bookshelf last week
and how its honesty,
its discussion of suffering has been keeping me up at night.
I want to focus on these words,
on the letters that make up each of these words,
and I want to feel the familiar satisfaction that comes along
with stringing together the perfect sentence.
That comes along with successfully detangling
the web of thoughts in my mind
and conveying them to you
in a way that’s pleasurable, uplifting even.
I would rather be safe than honest.
I’ve been reading back through some of my old writing –
it feels kinda like hanging out with a younger version of myself,
you know?
“Tepid affection
juxtaposes her fervency.
She pours out,
time and time again,
the contents of her heart.”
I’ve been reading back through some of my old writing
and seeing with new eyes
how I’ve always prioritized being safe over being honest.
Holding with fresh care
the version of myself who couldn’t have poured out
the contents of her heart
because she didn’t know what was there.
Was terrified to discover what was there.
It’s a gift to see,
it’s a gift to hold,
it’s a gift to love.
It’s a gift to grow.
Today, I would rather be safe than honest,
and I’m acknowledging that to me, to you.
To my 20-year-old self.
I’ll keep trying anyways.
Lightly,
Leah
Leah Kepley, M.Ed. 