7/11/24
Have you ever had one of those days
that seems to upend you in one fell swoop?
Like everything is normal in one moment,
and in the next,
you’re questioning everything about who you are
and what your life has been up to now?
My entire summer has felt like one of those days.
Unexpectedly, I entered into work at a place with keen coworkers
who are lovingly vocal with their observations.
Thank God for people who see what you’re hiding behind.
Thank God for people who are willing to call out what they see,
to push you to come out of the shadows.
Nearly ten years ago, I first started to write during a similar period of time.
Under nearly identical feelings of being laid bare on a surgical table without my awareness.
Exposure is a terrifying feeling.
But the idea of successfully living out the rest of life in disguise
terrifies me even more.
I disguise myself and my fear with perfectionism.
With competence, with utility.
With taking more than my fair share of the blame.
Little tricks picked up along the way,
the byproducts of twenty-eight years of faltering steps.
Healing isn’t the easy path –
disguises are much more convenient.
Much more commonplace.
But I’m sitting in my armchair in my bedroom
and there’s a bird singing outside my window
and I am so confident that
somewhere along the route up ahead,
there’s a version of myself
who I need to meet.
She’s worth the time.
That’s it, that’s where I am.
I’m gonna let myself be…
Lightly,
Leah
Leah Kepley, M.Ed. 