13 – You Should Be Happy

3/7/21

If you’ve ever taken a psych class, you’ve probably learned about cognitive distortions. They’re one of my favorite things to listen for in conversations – like logical fallacies, we use them all the time without realizing it, and they usually illuminate an oversight in logic, a bias, a faulty perspective. They also just make for fun, silly arguments with friends.

If examples help you learn, you’ll be glad to know that overgeneralizing, jumping to conclusions, all-or-nothing thinking, and minimizing are all cognitive distortions. But my personal favorite, a source of endless suffering for you and me both, is shoulding yourself. Yes, you read that right. Shoulding yourself.

Shoulding yourself is a distortion that tells you that you’re obligated to do or be something different than you are right now. You should yourself when you say, “I should be eating a salad instead of pizza. I should go back to school so I can be competitive for that promotion. I should be married with kids by now.”

Yes, shoulding yourself is helpful in many situations. But lately, the voice in my head has embraced the phrase, “You should be happy.” No, not the Snow Patrol song (although it’s a good one). Just over and over again. You should be happy.

You should be happy because the sun is bright, and you love sunny days. You should be happy because you talked to your mom earlier. You should be happy because graduation is soon. You should be happy because you’re Leah. 

To clarify, this isn’t a cry for help. I’m safe, I’m sailing, it’s just that there are some rocky waves out here. I’m trying to be honest – with you, with myself. You should be happy. You should be happy.

Some days are like this. You’ve had them. Me, too. Melancholy shows up and buckles into the back seat. Some weeks are like this. Windows down, shades on, sun bold and bright, full car. You should be happy, but instead, you’re worried and scared and lonely and moody. The pendulum swings.

Thanks for letting me be honest.

Love,
Leah

i know myself because of my pain.
it shows me
the details of my heart,
undeniably brings me into myself.
my heart breaks
and then it begins
the slow process of mending
only to tumble again.
i’m in this heartbreak.
and the next.
and the next.