2/28/21
TW: In this post, I discuss body image issues and disordered eating.
Now, before I get back into it, I want to clarify that this wasn’t some magical moment where everything clicked. In fact, the question made me angry. Who said I didn’t love myself? And what did that have to do with all the stuff that was wrong with my body?
Over weeks, months, years really, I sat with that question, and I came to make meaning from it for myself. Quite slowly, quite hesitantly, I began to think and feel my way through this idea, that my internal and external worlds were so connected. At this point in my education, the mind-body connection is a given, but at the time, I felt like Isaac Newton watching that apple fall to the ground.
At the start, the most helpful change that I made was to think, speak, and process emotion around my body like she was a separate person from myself. The idea is rooted in theories of self-compassion (treating yourself the way you would a dear friend), and let me tell you, after years of neglect and punishment, my body needed me to treat her like she was my dear friend.
My goal became peace. Belief in the message that my body was good as she was, as she is. That we were on the same team – even if we weren’t always on the same page. I began striving to lovingly notice and lovingly question and lovingly work towards my external goals from a place of internal peace.
Now, on most days, I lift weights because it makes my body feel good. I donate clothes when I notice myself being routinely critical in them. I try not to overthink food, most often prioritizing things that make my body feel good but also snagging a quesadilla from Taco Bell when the moment is right. Some days are different and hard, and I get frustrated that I’m bloated, that I don’t look the way I want in that dress, that anxiety has my digestion all screwed up. Lovingly notice. Lovingly question. Lovingly work towards change, whatever that might look like.
Maybe you resonate with parts of this story, and maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re at some other place in your journey with your body. I don’t want to paint myself as an expert on this topic in general – I don’t know what this looks like for you today or what it might look like tomorrow.
But if I can leave you with anything, I would like for it to be the message that your body is good as it is. Remind yourself of it every day – because at the end of a two-sided war in one body is a winner and a loser.
Lightly,
Leah
Leah Kepley, M.Ed. 