12/20/20
You know how sometimes you know something about yourself, but you kind of let it sit at the surface of your awareness? Like giving it too much attention will make it real, and you’re just not quite sure how you feel about it yet? Over the course of this past year, I’ve experienced this – and the truth is that I’m a busybody. I don’t like to say it, I don’t want you to say it, but it’s here – I’m a busybody.
Both of my parents are hardworking people. Growing up, I always saw them working on projects in their free time – my dad is high-strung about yard work, clean gutters, and vehicle maintenance. My mom is always painting a wall, resurfacing a coffee table, or creating floral arrangements. Relaxation was reserved for the end of the day, before bedtime, and only happened when the tasks were done.
When the tasks were done. A few days ago, I sat down to write, and what came out was, “Happiness sits closest to the surface when the sun is bright and all my tasks are done.”
So, I started thinking. I started thinking about how nice it is to find purpose in checking things off a to-do list. How cozy my house is when the carpet is vacuumed and the sink is clear. How commendable it feels to add another research project to my resume.
But there’s always a troublesome side. I thought about all of the things in my life that get sacrificed at the altar of labor. Spontaneity. Stillness. Connection. Pleasure.
When I’m struggling, I try to fall back upon two of my strongest values: self-awareness and non-judgment. Self-awareness is to see things inside ourselves for what they are. To perceive them without changing their grime, their messiness. Non-judgment is in it all. It’s setting aside our loyalty towards labels of “good” or “bad” – and rather, striving to answer the questions, “Is this something that I want in my life? How is it currently serving me? Do I want to alter the quality or quantity of its presence?”
I’ve come to realize that I don’t hate being a busybody. I see it, I know its roots, and in many ways, I think it serves me well. However, I want more balance. Less business, more stillness. More pleasure, more connection.
I guess I’m wondering how you might answer those questions. I find that we’re often a judgmental people, especially of ourselves.
Happy holidays.
Lightly,
Leah
Leah Kepley, M.Ed. 